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1. my head is fragile

and I don't want you

to cut yourself

when it falls apart

2. I'm not in love

with you

not because I can't

but because I know

then I'd have to leave

(I'm not ready yet)

3. when you have bad dreams

I kiss you and stroke your hair

it seems to work

in the morning you

never remember

any of that

4. at the night time

I sometimes get scared

and start to fall

if you are next to me

you whisper to my ear

that it's OK

5. you are not in love

with me

because I am full of

red flags and lines

not to be crossed

- but you hold my hand

when I fall asleep

(that's a lot)

6. we are bad in waking up

and leaving the bed

there are still

few months

ahead of us

7. I like your eyes

they are green

most of my favourite things

in life

have green eyes.

otters (I have cut my hair)

when I said

I am going to cut

my hair

I tried to tell you

something

but maybe

I was too vague

now it's too late

and with my head

so much lighter

my heart got

so much more heavy

and there are

no more words

I can now

comb my hair

for the very first time

in months

and I feel bad about it

I stay up all night

because sleep felt

so much better

with my hand in yours

violence

the shadows under my eyes

have violent colour

in the not entirely clear way

- they suit me

the brown and blue circles

are what makes

my face mine

- same way the old scars

make my hands mine

or faded tattoos

that cover one of my legs

make this leg also mine

...

I know

that there is also violence

and plenty of violets

in the way my fingers move

when anxiety starts to

fill my body

or in the pulse of my heart

fast and always in a

sort of panic

- there is no reason for it

...

my dreams are always short

happening already after

the end of the world

I breathe easily over there

and for a moment

even my elbows

don't have sharp edges

and feel like

made out of a foam

dawn

it's already bright outside

and I really try not to think

about all of the reasons

why we should call it off

instead I try to think about:

elephants and how they never

stop growing

parallel evolution of

homo sapiens sapiens and 

homo neanderthalensis

how to fix my bed

so it doesn't scream

in its wooden voice

when we have sex

when it doesn't quite work

I try to think

about something ugly

about you...

but the only ugly thing

I've managed to find

is the fact that you

like me

sky turns

into something

soft and white

I switch off my phone

in the one

final attempt.

morning

chlorophyll

I watch it through my fingers

dazed and unfocused

so much like me

sun strokes my nose

and that's the most intimate

thing

that happened to me

in months

fingers of my left hand

move a bit

that's me

- stroking the sun back

I stand still

and consider becoming

an euglena

...

heart

now you

touch it

press on the

softer part

lick it

step on it

bite it

let's see

if we can

break it

...

my friend and I talk about love while playing basketball in the dark

we forgot how to love

at least

it seems that way

of course

it may be

that all of the past

horrible things

that happened

to each of us

just taught us

to be cautious

(to be scared)

to demand more

(to be scared)

to be not so

god-damn trusting

(to be scared)

...

three points for me

at least that's what

you say

I can't see

very well

we both

have a sip of the beer

your ball

...

or maybe

people actually got

so bloody boring

and not very

interesting

and if so

that could mean

it happened also

to us

(we are the people

after all)

...

you score

and we drink

a little bit more

...

so nothing happened

in a while

few meaningless

affairs maybe

definitely

nothing more

definitely

not love

(at best

a like button)

and we forgot

and un-learnt

and devolved

(deloved?)

...

ball goes somewhere

to our left

to disappear

in the night

we finish

our beers

and follow it

(we are

disappeared)