snow

I miss these days

when the light was pouring in

through the windows

and the frost whitened

everything outside

when I could drown

in your shirts

and cigarettes had a taste

of the icicles

we had a secret

in this bleached out world

we had a secret

without knowing it

secret smiles

secret days

secret winter

I had white bite-marks

on my arms and my heart

air was so fresh and so cold

when we struggled for a breathe

secrets had run through our veins

and grew into our hair

the only colour

that broke this

monochromatic world

were droplets of blood

on our lips

and under our

fingernails

*

it’s gone

what is left

is just snow

ice and frostbites

lightness

everything is so light

liquefied

different in shapes

I try to breathe heavily

drown the silence

I sleep too little

and I don’t have enough strength

if I stop

everything will disappear

everything is so light

and fades away

sound is delayed

from far away

from under the water

I eat too little

and I don’t have enough strength

if I fall asleep

I will disappear myself

everything is so light

and meaningless

every decision with no consequences

so light

so important

there is too little of me

and I don’t have enough strength

I am even lighter

even further

falling

it’s not far

just don’t fall

walk fast

home is near

only few more streets

few more blocks

left right left again

move forward – that’s all

I don’t want your help

I need your help

just walk faster

don’t fall down

fifty metres more

I will fall

I will fall

(don’t fall down)

walls are good

they keep me straight

don’t want any of you

to see me now

just don’t fall down

*** (you look at me)

you look at me

and probably don’t see it yet

you don’t see flaws

and cracks

you don’t see trembles

that my face goes through

you don’t see the shadows under my eyes

that shouldn’t be this dark

nor the paleness of my face

that is unnatural

you don’t see kilograms

that disappeared

or the scratches

that haven’t been done by the cat

you look at me

and smile in a silly way

I nod

and squint

if I get drunk

I might say something I shouldn’t

if I fail to fall asleep again

I might invite you to my bed

you look at me

and don’t see anything

loud

when it’s quiet and empty

I think about all of that

that will never happen

I run everything through

black and white filters

all of that that I can’t and won’t

say out loud

when it’s quiet and empty

I allow myself to be angry

I don’t scream

only press my fingernails

against my palms

and bite my lip

when it’s quiet and empty

that’s when I am closer to myself

I pat my own shoulder

and I dry tears from my own

cheeks

later on – me and me – get up

and go back to the world

so loud

so full

question

I‘ve asked you so many times

maybe not very loud

still – so many times

I stood in the window

in the cold

and rain was coming to the room

I’ve asked you so many times

in the cold

in the rain

at night

maybe I whispered

but –

- I whispered

so many fucking times

I’ve asked you so many times

allergies

I feel a bit more

even when the sun is behind the clouds

and flower beds so far away

and when the metal doesn’t touch my skin

there is no people around

no need to look anyone in the eye

but I still look down

I feel a bit more

a bit further

it’s a general sensitivity to the world

to the air

to the blood

to the time

I squint

without knowing

which of the allergies got to me

this time

I feel a bit more