the end of the world

if I tilt my head

a little bit to the left

and slightly backwards

there is nothing left

to obscure the sky

for a moment

I can pretend

that only I’ve survived

the end of the world

if I cover with my fingers

my right eye

and I’ll squint the left one

the picture of you becomes blurry

and you become only

a slightly darker outline

against the sun

my body relaxes

and I think without emotion

that only I have survived

bombing

I hide in the bathroom

it’s quiet and cold

and I look good

surrounded by the white tiles

with the tips of my fingers

I draw equations on the walls

and get into unnecessary arguments

with Gödel Heisenberg and Cantor

I hide in the bathroom

it’s quiet and cold

just like in the cellar

where you hide

from the bombing raid

mirror

I rest forehead on the mirror

and look inside my own eye

somewhere on the bottom of the pupil

there might be an answer

there might be a new galaxy

but that’s the whole different story

different poem

I rest forehead on the mirror

and imprint on it

fingerprints

of my own thoughts

they duplicate themselves

reflect each other

and come back smudged in ink

I rest forehead on the mirror

and wait for the crack

to appear

punctuation

you give me a ??? look

and then we don’t speak

for quite a while

silence has its own grammar

and punctuation

it is important how not to

say certain things

or which words

you won’t use

I roll my eyes

and that’s the end of it

I haven’t not-said enough

I get up and start walking

leaving you with all the

? ! … and ()

Idontneedthemanymore

foil

I've made a hat

from the aluminium foil

I wear it indoors

to silence my own thoughts

I wear it outdoors

hidden under my hood

to silence the world

when the sun is really high

I use it to blind

passers-by

and myself

waiting

it’s fucking cold

I am waiting for you

it starts to snow

I find it uncalled-for

agreeing to ___

and ignoring ___

all of that

inside me

it’s fucking cold

cigarettes

are running low

I wait for ___

nothing but all of that

that is so far

and depersonalised

(fucking) cold

inside

I wait

I wait for you

global warming

words

fall out from my mouth

and reach the boiling temperature

air cools them down

with the hissing sound

of your breathes

life censors all of that

and no-body knows

that this is

the real cause

of the global warming

hlýja gangstéttir

sometimes I like to imagine

life in Iceland

with warm pavements

and always cloudless

sky

and that silence

that is inside me

over there

it covers all the planes

in my mind

Iceland

is cold

and changeless

like a waiting room

with moss pillows

for your tired thoughts

I sometimes put my head

into the fridge

and tell myself

I’m there

utan dig är jag, och jag mumlar att äga skägg

I’m here [without you]

and mumble to my own chin

beer mixes with my words

and flows into the larynx

…

I’m here [without you]

and try to play

cat’s cradle on my own

- it falls apart

…

I’m here [without you]

and raise my hand to my face

I straighten eyebrows with fingers

and get drunk a little bit more

ice

there is a thin ice

under our feet

your heartbeat makes it tremble

my breathe cracks it

we move slowly

avoiding each others eyes

I imagine black water

beneath us

and start to cry

you hold my cold hand

and stay silent

from far away we can hear

penguins singing

redolution

my nails are red

and that’s the whorish red

it attacks eyes

and makes them tear

I like to claim

that this is how the revolution starts

with pursed lips

I get even paler

it is required by this

dramatic situation

I carry stones

in my pockets

my eyes are hungry

and wide open

sometimes I forget to blink

and allow dust to set on them

stench of the petrol

gives me headaches

when we cling our glasses

it’s like a shot from the gun

like a distant explosion

like an echo from another time

later on we all die

in our sleep 

aleph/tav

you pack your things

and there is less and less

air that you've breathed out

I watch you from the corner

if asked - I pass to you

books

shirts

thoughts

you pack your things

and it almost seems

that you are building a golem

together we carve

a sign of aleph on its

forehead

it will protect you

when I am not there

you pack your things

I attach an old clock to my chest

it will ring when the time

comes.

tea

silence prolongs

and we sit immobile

with only our reflections

dark and out of shape

dancing on the window glass

I look at the empty cups

and not quite fairly

I blame them for this silence

I focus all my attention

on the kettle

you light another cigarette

to hide behind the smoke

[kʌnt]

my mouth is filled

with the darkness

and thirty two teeth

I nod to everything

and I am very agreeable

in my absence

I sit back to back

with myself

and we merge into

each other

unity of free will

and determinism

I can’t hear any of you

through all the commotion

my rattling mind

makes inside

my head

I can’t answer to any of you

my mouth knows only

the shape

of the swear words

and how to howl

I rather stay in this

dark room

with these

dark eyes

with the dark sky above me

and the darkness within me

butterflies

it starts somewhere

inside

like stomach rumble

somewhere between the liver

and one of the kidneys

in the darkness

that only blood can give

in the explosion of haemoglobin

to the rhythm of the heart

it ascends

and when it reaches

solar plexus

it becomes cold

and bitter

when it gets to the throat

it is hard to breathe

it is hard to swallow saliva

it is hard to keep your eyes

open

it forces itself

through the clenched teeth

and pushes all the air outside

so loud

and so long

inarticulate sound

form one

stripped of everything

scream

…

thousands of butterflies

move their wings

slow-motion

everything slowed down a bit

- my breathe

- my heartbeat

- the way my hair

grows

everything slowed down a bit

silenced itself

became solid as concrete

and now my face

crumbles with every

blink

cracks

and changes into dust

everything slowed down a bit

inhale and exhale

lasts eons

and only cigarettes

always seem too short

everything slowed down a bit

and I try

with my cold fingers

to arrange my lips

into a smile

my foot moves

in the rhythm

that imitates my pulse

Sunday

Sunday.

taken away from the world.

because the world is.

and there are streets.

and there are bridges.

and buildings.

people inside

and in front of them.

sun pierces the sky

sunrays

touch the ground

and our frozen

breaths.

we ride buses

talk

and stay silent.

every word is needed

every pause – necessary.

sundown.

day comes to the end.

the world still is.

ravens

we used to send ravens to each other

with shiny beaks

and black feathers

that hid them from the unwanted eyes

we used to send ravens at night time

as if the black void

could protect them

from all the radars

we used to send ravens to each other

even when we knew

they won’t find

the way

their feathers became grey and white

and bones ever so light

when they fell

they looked like falling stars

*** (in a mess of a moment)

in a mess of a moment

I say things that I should keep to myself

I allow my bones to pierce my skin a little bit more

in a mess of a moment

everything that is inside

makes an attempt

to see the sun

and the sky

and the stars

in a mess of a moment

I exhale too long

…

there is nothing left

and it feels so clean

so empty

so calm

for a moment

Italy

here – my dreams became

more interesting

darker

I wake up

when I can still remember

I hold them in my arms

like unwanted children

of the evil god

I feed them

with the cigarette smoke

and then wrap them

in lettuce

- so they will stay fresh

red

your eyes are red

same colour as my hair

in the room filled with smoke

we find each other

every time

thought of you is like an itch

inside my head

after loud and messy nights

we end up in beds

that are not ours

you take your time

I lose patience

you’ve made me cry once

I left before you’ve woken up

we are even now

my eyes are red

just like yours

silent treatment

I fill out my cheeks

with the polluted air

I hold my breath

as long as I can

fog covers everything…

and then I cough

and choke

and breathe in with relief

you look at me puzzled

and you can’t decide

whether you like me

whether you know me

whether?...

every time

when you are almost sure

something out of ordinary happens

when I light my cigarettes

my eyes cross

smoke exits through my nose

a halo appears around my head

I look like a sinful saint…

in anger and confusion

we give each other

the silent treatment

*** (I just always thought)

I just always thought

that there is more to life

than cooking you dinners

and giving blow-jobs

I thought that the excitement

should burn the back of our eyelids

from the first moment we wake up

I thought that a thought of you

should give me shivers

and fever on my forehead

I thought that the sight of you

- of your face of your arms

of your back and all the rest –

should keep me awake

for the whole night

***

once we get to the point

where there are only

dinners

awkward moments in bed

and invitations

to the weddings

where I am no longer +1

but I have a name

and when we not only

have lost so much time together

but as well we have already

lost each other

(so long ago)

you will send me

a postcard

(address unknown)

to say ‘thank you’

labyrinth

blue smoke

builds complicated

fractals

above my head

I frown

and maybe my eyes tear a bit

nevertheless – I light

another cigarette

we leave out

everything that is important

it is possible

that it’s caused by the lack of

answers

we have lost ourselves

in all of that

so long ago

and all of the threads

got entangled

and cut through

(maybe Ariadne

could knit something

out of it)

*

when we were already

at the door

one on the inside

the other on the outside

words flooded us

and were like a heat wave

without real sentences

or any punctuation

chaos theory applied

- entropy of life

(Minotaur was laughing

hidden behind the fence

wrapped in a red scarf)

the end game

something is broken

about that – all of us agree

it bruised our minds

and the ugly purple colour

flooded our insides

our skin

tongue

and nails

you lay your head

on my knees

and breathe silently

I entangle my fingers

in your hair

‘how bad can it be’

you ask

I just squint

and murmur indecisively

how come life became so raw

bloody and bruised

I entangle my fingers

in your hair

and we may smile for a moment

it’s OK

my saliva

mixes with yours

and our pupils

explode like stars

new universe where

entropy is being adjusted

time slows down

your hands find peace

on my hips

(so badly bruised)

beginning of the end

I entangle my fingers

in your hair

modern philosophy

birds pass by my window

leaving their shadows behind

and soft fuzz on the windowsill

I decide to never go back

to all of the people

that need to be listened to

and whom I need to pity

anchored to the values

that aren’t mine

I hide behind the glass

pebbles of my eyes

so similar to the stormy clouds

my black dog

comes back from the outdoors

and shakes off the water

in the same manner

I shake off

any connection to

the outside world

just as Nozick anticipated

I talk only with those

who want to experience

a fair act of transference

birds head south

I keep company to my dog

lie-telling

lie me to sleep

tell me about everything

I will gasp

and ask unnecessary questions

together we can lie

the whole world

lie me to sleep

with your hands

and your silence

lie when we fall asleep

and be silent

when we wake up

lie me to sleep

with stories

and gestures of your hands

lie when you kiss me

and lie whenever

you don’t

lie me to sleep

- I haven’t slept

in such a long time

story

there is a whole story in here

coffee stains from the morning

when minutes seemed

like halves of themselves

and then there is a mysterious smudge

that appeared as if through

an immaculate conception

after ten – for sure

but before one

there is a rip

which you can suspect

came from climbing that fence

there is some beer spilled

and some ketchup

at the top of the sleeve

there are few tears

and you can be almost sure

they aren’t yours

(for eighty per cent?)

there is a sign of a nosebleed

but just a little bit

and there is still

a faint scent of your perfumes

and the aftershave

that is not yours

the same you can smell

on your pillow

- if you ever get home

- if you ever go to sleep

whole story

written on your t-shirt

snow

I miss these days

when the light was pouring in

through the windows

and the frost whitened

everything outside

when I could drown

in your shirts

and cigarettes had a taste

of the icicles

we had a secret

in this bleached out world

we had a secret

without knowing it

secret smiles

secret days

secret winter

I had white bite-marks

on my arms and my heart

air was so fresh and so cold

when we struggled for a breathe

secrets had run through our veins

and grew into our hair

the only colour

that broke this

monochromatic world

were droplets of blood

on our lips

and under our

fingernails

*

it’s gone

what is left

is just snow

ice and frostbites

lightness

everything is so light

liquefied

different in shapes

I try to breathe heavily

drown the silence

I sleep too little

and I don’t have enough strength

if I stop

everything will disappear

everything is so light

and fades away

sound is delayed

from far away

from under the water

I eat too little

and I don’t have enough strength

if I fall asleep

I will disappear myself

everything is so light

and meaningless

every decision with no consequences

so light

so important

there is too little of me

and I don’t have enough strength

I am even lighter

even further

falling

it’s not far

just don’t fall

walk fast

home is near

only few more streets

few more blocks

left right left again

move forward – that’s all

I don’t want your help

I need your help

just walk faster

don’t fall down

fifty metres more

I will fall

I will fall

(don’t fall down)

walls are good

they keep me straight

don’t want any of you

to see me now

just don’t fall down