fish

my lips moved several times

during that night

trying to form the shape

of the words I needed

but the sound

didn't arrive

so I was just standing there

more like a fish

mute

suffocating

with the oxygen

and with the cold hands

you held these hands

later on

trying to warm them up

and pretending

not to see

that something broke in me

and now

my Inside

is slowly leaking out

onto the pillow

my lips moved

for the last time

- a sound appeared

a short and a very quiet

howl of the animal
that hurts

otters (I have cut my hair)

when I said

I am going to cut

my hair

I tried to tell you

something

but maybe

I was too vague

now it's too late

and with my head

so much lighter

my heart got

so much more heavy

and there are

no more words

I can now

comb my hair

for the very first time

in months

and I feel bad about it

I stay up all night

because sleep felt

so much better

with my hand in yours

sounds

usually sound

is the first one

to come back

(only after a few

breaths)

hum of the

car engines

noise of the

birds

your

heart-beat

I let fingers

of my

right hand

move

to that melody

the left one

forms a fist

I try to place it

somewhere

between

us

if neither

of us

will speak

for long

enough

we might

fall asleep

may day

we interrupt

quiet hours

of the night

with messages

full of

unfinished

sentences

that may

or may not

mean

something/

/nothing

later on

with the first

sunlight

comes

sleep

that neither you nor I

can describe

we don't need

alarm clocks

I have

ambulances

on the streets

you live

around the corner

from the

fire station

with the noise

of the day

and the illumination

of the sky

everything can only

be

what it exactly

is

it may

or may not
be

why we

stay

so

silent

the night when we went outside to watch the skyline with cranes

that night

your eyes

were touching me

even before

your fingers did

you said

you want to

look me in the eye

to be deep inside
in

every
possible
way

we spoke about

some difficult words

unable to say out loud

those that are

so much more simple

later on

we've just 

became silent
in

every
possible
way

(morning)

gospel

tell me where it hurts

here?

I push my finger

against your forehead

you squint

and without any sound

move your lips

I spit on my hand

to baptize you

and pass

the gift of speaking in tongues

now

in so many new ways

you can

tell beautiful lies

tell me where it hurts

you push your finger

against my forehead

and smile

in an ugly way

I nod

and stay silent

*** (I don't even swear now)

I don’t even swear now

when I wake up

there is a deep silence

within me

without any words

maybe with few exclamations

and an ellipsis

with this silence

I can knock off birds from the sky

and summon the snow

under the shower

I allow hum of the water

to fill me up with the sound

…

fuck.

advice

is it OK to ask for help

it's not

it's not

it's not

pretend.

there is nothing in newspapers about the bombs

I look at the sky

and wait for the bombs to fall

somewhere in the east

a cloud appears

I imagine

that its filled with the hum

of propellers

when the noise becomes

unbearable

I allow myself to smile

you don’t suspect anything

and turn another page

of the newspaper

[he]story

you tell me the stories

when it’s already dark

when I already can’t see

your face

when the movements of your hands

are just a sound

you braid together lies and truth

I listen and don’t interrupt

my silence

is yet another lie

you will tell a story about