ravens

we used to send ravens to each other

with shiny beaks

and black feathers

that hid them from the unwanted eyes

we used to send ravens at night time

as if the black void

could protect them

from all the radars

we used to send ravens to each other

even when we knew

they won’t find

the way

their feathers became grey and white

and bones ever so light

when they fell

they looked like falling stars

*** (in a mess of a moment)

in a mess of a moment

I say things that I should keep to myself

I allow my bones to pierce my skin a little bit more

in a mess of a moment

everything that is inside

makes an attempt

to see the sun

and the sky

and the stars

in a mess of a moment

I exhale too long

…

there is nothing left

and it feels so clean

so empty

so calm

for a moment

Italy

here – my dreams became

more interesting

darker

I wake up

when I can still remember

I hold them in my arms

like unwanted children

of the evil god

I feed them

with the cigarette smoke

and then wrap them

in lettuce

- so they will stay fresh

red

your eyes are red

same colour as my hair

in the room filled with smoke

we find each other

every time

thought of you is like an itch

inside my head

after loud and messy nights

we end up in beds

that are not ours

you take your time

I lose patience

you’ve made me cry once

I left before you’ve woken up

we are even now

my eyes are red

just like yours

silent treatment

I fill out my cheeks

with the polluted air

I hold my breath

as long as I can

fog covers everything…

and then I cough

and choke

and breathe in with relief

you look at me puzzled

and you can’t decide

whether you like me

whether you know me

whether?...

every time

when you are almost sure

something out of ordinary happens

when I light my cigarettes

my eyes cross

smoke exits through my nose

a halo appears around my head

I look like a sinful saint…

in anger and confusion

we give each other

the silent treatment

*** (I just always thought)

I just always thought

that there is more to life

than cooking you dinners

and giving blow-jobs

I thought that the excitement

should burn the back of our eyelids

from the first moment we wake up

I thought that a thought of you

should give me shivers

and fever on my forehead

I thought that the sight of you

- of your face of your arms

of your back and all the rest –

should keep me awake

for the whole night

***

once we get to the point

where there are only

dinners

awkward moments in bed

and invitations

to the weddings

where I am no longer +1

but I have a name

and when we not only

have lost so much time together

but as well we have already

lost each other

(so long ago)

you will send me

a postcard

(address unknown)

to say ‘thank you’

labyrinth

blue smoke

builds complicated

fractals

above my head

I frown

and maybe my eyes tear a bit

nevertheless – I light

another cigarette

we leave out

everything that is important

it is possible

that it’s caused by the lack of

answers

we have lost ourselves

in all of that

so long ago

and all of the threads

got entangled

and cut through

(maybe Ariadne

could knit something

out of it)

*

when we were already

at the door

one on the inside

the other on the outside

words flooded us

and were like a heat wave

without real sentences

or any punctuation

chaos theory applied

- entropy of life

(Minotaur was laughing

hidden behind the fence

wrapped in a red scarf)

the end game

something is broken

about that – all of us agree

it bruised our minds

and the ugly purple colour

flooded our insides

our skin

tongue

and nails

you lay your head

on my knees

and breathe silently

I entangle my fingers

in your hair

‘how bad can it be’

you ask

I just squint

and murmur indecisively

how come life became so raw

bloody and bruised

I entangle my fingers

in your hair

and we may smile for a moment

it’s OK

my saliva

mixes with yours

and our pupils

explode like stars

new universe where

entropy is being adjusted

time slows down

your hands find peace

on my hips

(so badly bruised)

beginning of the end

I entangle my fingers

in your hair

modern philosophy

birds pass by my window

leaving their shadows behind

and soft fuzz on the windowsill

I decide to never go back

to all of the people

that need to be listened to

and whom I need to pity

anchored to the values

that aren’t mine

I hide behind the glass

pebbles of my eyes

so similar to the stormy clouds

my black dog

comes back from the outdoors

and shakes off the water

in the same manner

I shake off

any connection to

the outside world

just as Nozick anticipated

I talk only with those

who want to experience

a fair act of transference

birds head south

I keep company to my dog

lie-telling

lie me to sleep

tell me about everything

I will gasp

and ask unnecessary questions

together we can lie

the whole world

lie me to sleep

with your hands

and your silence

lie when we fall asleep

and be silent

when we wake up

lie me to sleep

with stories

and gestures of your hands

lie when you kiss me

and lie whenever

you don’t

lie me to sleep

- I haven’t slept

in such a long time

story

there is a whole story in here

coffee stains from the morning

when minutes seemed

like halves of themselves

and then there is a mysterious smudge

that appeared as if through

an immaculate conception

after ten – for sure

but before one

there is a rip

which you can suspect

came from climbing that fence

there is some beer spilled

and some ketchup

at the top of the sleeve

there are few tears

and you can be almost sure

they aren’t yours

(for eighty per cent?)

there is a sign of a nosebleed

but just a little bit

and there is still

a faint scent of your perfumes

and the aftershave

that is not yours

the same you can smell

on your pillow

- if you ever get home

- if you ever go to sleep

whole story

written on your t-shirt