opia

opia (df): the ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.

I sit under the angle

so the shadow can

hide me

at least this part

that resembles

a trapped animal

you move slowly

the way you would

approach

something wild

something scared

something blue

I shake my head

and blink too much

but none of these

can stop you

you look me

in the eye

I surrender

I invade you

rain

I am sitting in an ugly and depressing bar. It’s raining outside and it creates a constant hum that swallows all of the other sounds. I start to watch raindrops that hesitantly make a downfall from the edge of the canopy. Unwillingly or maybe even against my own will I start to count them. I know for a fact that it will be very hard to stop. And when I finally succeed my relief will be strained and polluted. Uneasy. “Fuck”, I think to myself to avoid thinking it when you will be next to me. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Forty-seven.

So – it may be that you will walk into this bar just when I will move on to the number fifty-seven. You will have this nervous smile on your face: a bit apologetic, a bit absent. You will also make this weird wave with your hand that could be sort of “hello” but could also mean nothing. I will be still counting – probably won’t stop before sixty-one.

You might come a little bit later, when I’ll be in the low hundreds. If that’s the case I might not even look at you and simply keep on staring ahead. And it’s not because I would be already pissed off with you for all that waiting – it would happen simply because once I get to the three digit plane – it is so fucking hard to stop (it takes at least twenty numbers). But you know it. You would sit down at the table and wait. You could even make a remark that this way our waiting debt is evening a bit.

 You may also not come at all. Then I may stay till it stops raining or maybe even a bit longer - until all of the raindrops from the canopy fall to the ground. At that point I may forget I was waiting for you.

Sixty-one.

mauerbauertraurigkeit

mauerbauertraurigkeit (df): the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.

if I still could make
a step back
I would
there is a harsh
wall behind me
and it's already biting
into my shoulders
I can feel the heat
radiating from
your body
and your heartbeat
is so loud
I can't hear
anything else

you look at me
and there is
a soft shadow
around your eyes
I think you are
saying something
- your lips
are moving
but all I can hear
is just the drumming
of your heart

I cover my ears
and it's like
taking a step
back.

oxygen (fuck. I can't breathe)

it looks a bit

like an asthma attack

as they show it on TV

at 2 am I said 'no'

to my mum

when she mentioned

something about

the ambulance

it seemed to me

at a time

that's a very

long and difficult

word
at 4 am I told
my dad
to call the ambulance
(imagine how many
'nos' you could fit
in that sentence?)

world transformed
into a beautiful chaos
of blue lights and
the constant hiss
of the oxygen tank

(fuck. I can't breathe)