snow

I miss these days

when the light was pouring in

through the windows

and the frost whitened

everything outside

when I could drown

in your shirts

and cigarettes had a taste

of the icicles

we had a secret

in this bleached out world

we had a secret

without knowing it

secret smiles

secret days

secret winter

I had white bite-marks

on my arms and my heart

air was so fresh and so cold

when we struggled for a breathe

secrets had run through our veins

and grew into our hair

the only colour

that broke this

monochromatic world

were droplets of blood

on our lips

and under our

fingernails

*

it’s gone

what is left

is just snow

ice and frostbites

lightness

everything is so light

liquefied

different in shapes

I try to breathe heavily

drown the silence

I sleep too little

and I don’t have enough strength

if I stop

everything will disappear

everything is so light

and fades away

sound is delayed

from far away

from under the water

I eat too little

and I don’t have enough strength

if I fall asleep

I will disappear myself

everything is so light

and meaningless

every decision with no consequences

so light

so important

there is too little of me

and I don’t have enough strength

I am even lighter

even further

falling

it’s not far

just don’t fall

walk fast

home is near

only few more streets

few more blocks

left right left again

move forward – that’s all

I don’t want your help

I need your help

just walk faster

don’t fall down

fifty metres more

I will fall

I will fall

(don’t fall down)

walls are good

they keep me straight

don’t want any of you

to see me now

just don’t fall down

*** (you look at me)

you look at me

and probably don’t see it yet

you don’t see flaws

and cracks

you don’t see trembles

that my face goes through

you don’t see the shadows under my eyes

that shouldn’t be this dark

nor the paleness of my face

that is unnatural

you don’t see kilograms

that disappeared

or the scratches

that haven’t been done by the cat

you look at me

and smile in a silly way

I nod

and squint

if I get drunk

I might say something I shouldn’t

if I fail to fall asleep again

I might invite you to my bed

you look at me

and don’t see anything

loud

when it’s quiet and empty

I think about all of that

that will never happen

I run everything through

black and white filters

all of that that I can’t and won’t

say out loud

when it’s quiet and empty

I allow myself to be angry

I don’t scream

only press my fingernails

against my palms

and bite my lip

when it’s quiet and empty

that’s when I am closer to myself

I pat my own shoulder

and I dry tears from my own

cheeks

later on – me and me – get up

and go back to the world

so loud

so full

question

I‘ve asked you so many times

maybe not very loud

still – so many times

I stood in the window

in the cold

and rain was coming to the room

I’ve asked you so many times

in the cold

in the rain

at night

maybe I whispered

but –

- I whispered

so many fucking times

I’ve asked you so many times

allergies

I feel a bit more

even when the sun is behind the clouds

and flower beds so far away

and when the metal doesn’t touch my skin

there is no people around

no need to look anyone in the eye

but I still look down

I feel a bit more

a bit further

it’s a general sensitivity to the world

to the air

to the blood

to the time

I squint

without knowing

which of the allergies got to me

this time

I feel a bit more

bruises (for MKO)

ten years ago

after we woke up

I was telling you the stories

about every new bruise

on our legs

about every scratch

about every scab

you were putting the kettle on

to make us

tea

bruises exploded

like stars

they have spread blue tint

all over our skin

and died quietly

after a few weeks

now the stories remain

untold

silenced

waited through

I swallow bitter saliva

when I discover them in the morning

if I happen to think of you

I smile daftly

galaxies are being born

and die

and everything else

is already so far away.

silent April

I get out from the bus

and extend my silent hand

(everything is silent in me:

hair, eyes, whole body)

he mirrors this gesture

‘I know the place

where birds go to die’

he knows the rules of this game

and silently walks next to me

with his long silent fingers

and deaf pupils

hot air trembles

when we shatter it with our

breaths

silent collaboration

of the substance

entelechy

just before we fall asleep

we stop pretending

and hiding behind the eye-lash curtains

and double thoughts

image of me

reflects in your eyes

it’s much bigger than in real life:

I am bigger than the whole room

than the whole house

my head touches the moon

later on we will vaguely remember this

we have fallen asleep before

all of that was implemented into life

during breakfast we talk about

silly things

or hurt each other a little bit

because then you don’t have to say

“I love you”

scent

you put your nose next to my neck

and inhale the hours that passed

we observe from the ledge

streets that cross over

people open their windows

and let in the geometry

into their faded eyes

freshness of the smog hits our

enlarged arteries

common faces

reflect the third shift

many metres above the ground

it’s so much closer to

Uranus and Pluto

further from this city

and overflowing bins

you touch my cheek with your lips

- we fall asleep on the roof

game

my fingers move in the air

tracing invisible arabesques

you pretend not to look at me

I pretend not to see it

somehow we have started this game

where quite a lot happens

on the inner side of our

eyelids

the world has not seen

any of that

we play against the odds

only from time to time

we compare notes

via cryptic and short messages

it’s like a great improvisation

just two actors

public is always present

but doesn’t even know they are there

just to view

and be silent

our orbits are irregular

and full of irony

when they cross with

each other

next time we meet

I will bite my lip

you will pretend not to look at me

a sublime game of staring

so complicated

so simple

wasted time

you and I

and everyone else

you decode my

blinking

I decrypt your

laughter

with our future nights

stuck in the

maze of probability

we waste time –

weave it between

our fingers

and fall asleep

at sunrise

you and I

no more

…

just everyone else

we are already

far away

from them

from each other

watching stars

and wasting time

somewhere else

two day affair

for two days

I could love

unconditionally

my hand would seek yours

my eyes would meet with yours

willingly

all the problems –

they could be left

for two days

for two days

both of us

would still be

interesting

for two days

we don’t need to

sleep eat

cry

for two days

we could be in love

two point o

you look at me

and make up a new version of me

she will laugh more

and maybe will eat more regularly

and, of course, she will never ever die

you look at me

and tell yourself stories

half-truths and whispered rumours

you undress me with your eyes

and I start to look so healthy

I watch all of that

blue smoke fills my head

somewhere inside, something – what? – hurts

the new me fades away

and loses contours

ink

i died for a moment or two

on the 1^st of January 2013

I closed my eyes

to be woken up

and there was a stranger

sitting by my bed

and not a stranger at all

holding my hand

I saw fear and relief

mixed in their eyes

like ink and water

in a glass

there was no light

no tunnel

no memory of being dead

just an absence

void

black hole

nothing changed

everything changed

I became mortal

comet

I’ll cross your life

just like the Halley’s comet

my braid

will be the last thing

you’ll remember

my hands are cold

because this is how

the comets are

maybe it’ll cross your mind

to stop me –

- in these short moments

when the sun dances

in my hair

scattered over the pillow

my eyes are cold

because this is how

the comets are

sometimes we’ll forget ourselves

while dancing in bed

over the lazy breakfast

my smile will be sincere

you will stroke my hand

little pieces

cut out from

the light years

my heart is cold

because this is how

the comets are

insulin

synthetic

with a plastic smell

bitter

(though maybe this taste

is only in my head)

I sway

raise my eyes to the stars

breathe

(inhale – exhale

that’s the mantra for today)

my hair is heavy

from the rain

it sticks to my neck and cheeks

(with cold fingers

I tuck them behind)

adrenaline hits me

and shakes

my hands

(I stand still

and give myself away to the panic)

it will pass

it will go away

- in a moment

or a few

(stars blink

double and triple themselves)

if I could scream

- my voice would have crumbled the buildings

if I could breathe

- I would have awakened tornados

b&w

I like when the scent

of aftershave

fills out my nostrils

I like when cold fingers

stroke

my ribs my face

when sometimes

without any warning

my hair is being

tucked behind my ear

with determination I forget

faces

to which belong

these scents

these fingers

these gestures

I forget

the eye colour

the height

and the way they laughed

what is left is just

an out-of-focus

black and white film

populated with

anonymous actors