yoko meshi

yoko meshi (df): the peculiar stress of speaking a foreign language

I speak silent fluently

always have been

I can perfectly time

intervals between

blinking

looking down

walking away

and then

- being silent again

I have experience

in not saying

certain words

out loud

and not answering

questions

you stare at me

and don't want to

give up

I roll my eyes

I open my mouth

but all that

comes out

is just

a very distant

and weak

white noise

...

mamihlapinatapei/boketto

mamihlapinatapei (df): a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that neither one wants to start

 

boketto (df): the act of gazing vacantly

I am taking lessons

silently

staring ahead of me

learning how

to speak

because when

I look at you

I forget

all

of

the

words

koi no yokan

koi no yokan (df): the sense one has upon meeting another person that they will fall in love.

I like looking at you

but I am still afraid

to be looked at

- you are OK with that

it's hard to explain

I know that you also

can't find the words

so we stay silent

and only

from time to time

say something stupid

or dangerous

dysania

dysania (df): an extreme difficulty in waking up and getting out of bed

it is a little bit

as if we were

the two survivors

on this boat at the sea

still in the shock

that the storm

has passed

and left us alive

- so we lay

in your bed

between the sheets

covered in salt

and sweat

with your fingers

in my hair

and blinded

by the sun

I surrender

afternoon.

sipapu

sipapu (df): a small tunnel or interdimensional passage

I've broken already

few fingernails

and I'm up to

my elbows

in dirt and mud

the tunnel grows

I can taste sand

in my mouth

I can hear it

falling on

my shoulders

I think I might be

crying

the tunnel grows

in my image and likeness

dark

shallow

and dirty

kairos

kairos (df): the perfect, delicate, crucial moment; the fleeting rightness of time and place that create opportune atmosphere for action, words, or movement.

until now

it was a little bit

like being a butterfly

pierced with a pin

to this time

and this space

you are breathing out

some warm air at me

I start to blink

and that's me

learning

to fly

with your teeth

you remove

the needle

from my heart

my hands

get warm

inside of

yours

komorebi

komorebi (df): sunlight that filters through the leaves of trees.

I like to look at the sun

through my fingers

this is when I pretend

that I am a tree

I get easily blinded

but instead of tears

I cry with sap

my skin is still white

with this unhealthy

paleness

so I guess I must be

a birch

you carve

your initials

on my stomach

but it doesn't

hurt anymore

light pierces

my wooden hand

and lands

at your feet

yugen

yugen (df): to watch the sun sink behind a flower-clad hill, to wander on and on in a huge forest without thought of return, to stand upon the shore and gaze after a boat that disappears behind distant islands, to contemplate the flight of wild geese seen and lost among the clouds.

we are standing outside

and staring at the skyline

with some constellations

drawn as if by a child

and cranes with red lights

you try to describe

what's happening inside of you

but have to stop just after

first two words

cold stone under my feet

makes me shiver

I want to grab your hand

but I am afraid it

could fly away from me

like a startled bird

I guess there is not

much difference

between us

here

tonight

tomorrow

I will get a fever

and you will

bring me coffee

to bed

rubatosis

rubatosis (df): the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat

street lamps flicker

and I tell myself

that this is a broadcast

especially for me

(even if I can't decode it)

so there is that

and there is noise

I think we must be

standing exactly where

the City has its heart

if I am right

and that's the heart

I am the needle

moving through

its arteries

and about to kill

I focus on

my own heartbeat

and synchronise it

with this other

bigger heart

- so we can die

together

I want to tell you

that this is the time

to say all of the

goodbyes

but the only sound

that I can make

is this loud rumble

coming from

my heart

- already

counting down

...

opia

opia (df): the ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.

I sit under the angle

so the shadow can

hide me

at least this part

that resembles

a trapped animal

you move slowly

the way you would

approach

something wild

something scared

something blue

I shake my head

and blink too much

but none of these

can stop you

you look me

in the eye

I surrender

I invade you

mauerbauertraurigkeit

mauerbauertraurigkeit (df): the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.

if I still could make
a step back
I would
there is a harsh
wall behind me
and it's already biting
into my shoulders
I can feel the heat
radiating from
your body
and your heartbeat
is so loud
I can't hear
anything else

you look at me
and there is
a soft shadow
around your eyes
I think you are
saying something
- your lips
are moving
but all I can hear
is just the drumming
of your heart

I cover my ears
and it's like
taking a step
back.

tarantism

tarantism (df): overcoming melancholy by dancing; the uncontrollable urge to dance

it's a noise

inside my head

and if I could still speak

I would sang

together with it

instead I bite my lip

and move downwards

my own spine

dextra

sinistra

my arms extend

I extend into both

directions

I become

a big

black bird

with sad biddy eyes

and no song

at all

my fingertips

draw fractals

around me

I am the epicentre

I am the source

I am the explosion

I sway in the air

and move frantically

only not to fall

because I know

it could

break me

(I'm made

out of china

I have

no glue)

I dance.

hanyauku

hanyauku (df): to walk on tiptoes across hot sand

it's hot

I try not to check my phone

and to listen to others

I try to pretend

I am not waiting

for you

it's hot

parallel to the thoughts

about you

I have those

about the cold

stone

(I would first

press my palms

to it

then

my whole body

would follow)

it's hot

and I am trying

to think

what will I say

to you

but all of the words

seem small

as sand grains

and fall through

my fingers

it's hot

and the air

around us

trembles and shakes

and everything around

becomes distorted

and falls apart

everything

but you

I recognise you

from afar

so I sink
into the dune

built by myself

and try to fight

sand entering

my throat

it's hot

I am listening to

what you are saying

but especially

what you are

being silent about

***

I climb on

my tiptoes

and start making

my way

home

through

this desert.

it's cooling down.

evening