wasted time

you and I

and everyone else

you decode my

blinking

I decrypt your

laughter

with our future nights

stuck in the

maze of probability

we waste time –

weave it between

our fingers

and fall asleep

at sunrise

you and I

no more

…

just everyone else

we are already

far away

from them

from each other

watching stars

and wasting time

somewhere else

two day affair

for two days

I could love

unconditionally

my hand would seek yours

my eyes would meet with yours

willingly

all the problems –

they could be left

for two days

for two days

both of us

would still be

interesting

for two days

we don’t need to

sleep eat

cry

for two days

we could be in love

two point o

you look at me

and make up a new version of me

she will laugh more

and maybe will eat more regularly

and, of course, she will never ever die

you look at me

and tell yourself stories

half-truths and whispered rumours

you undress me with your eyes

and I start to look so healthy

I watch all of that

blue smoke fills my head

somewhere inside, something – what? – hurts

the new me fades away

and loses contours

ink

i died for a moment or two

on the 1^st of January 2013

I closed my eyes

to be woken up

and there was a stranger

sitting by my bed

and not a stranger at all

holding my hand

I saw fear and relief

mixed in their eyes

like ink and water

in a glass

there was no light

no tunnel

no memory of being dead

just an absence

void

black hole

nothing changed

everything changed

I became mortal

comet

I’ll cross your life

just like the Halley’s comet

my braid

will be the last thing

you’ll remember

my hands are cold

because this is how

the comets are

maybe it’ll cross your mind

to stop me –

- in these short moments

when the sun dances

in my hair

scattered over the pillow

my eyes are cold

because this is how

the comets are

sometimes we’ll forget ourselves

while dancing in bed

over the lazy breakfast

my smile will be sincere

you will stroke my hand

little pieces

cut out from

the light years

my heart is cold

because this is how

the comets are

insulin

synthetic

with a plastic smell

bitter

(though maybe this taste

is only in my head)

I sway

raise my eyes to the stars

breathe

(inhale – exhale

that’s the mantra for today)

my hair is heavy

from the rain

it sticks to my neck and cheeks

(with cold fingers

I tuck them behind)

adrenaline hits me

and shakes

my hands

(I stand still

and give myself away to the panic)

it will pass

it will go away

- in a moment

or a few

(stars blink

double and triple themselves)

if I could scream

- my voice would have crumbled the buildings

if I could breathe

- I would have awakened tornados

b&w

I like when the scent

of aftershave

fills out my nostrils

I like when cold fingers

stroke

my ribs my face

when sometimes

without any warning

my hair is being

tucked behind my ear

with determination I forget

faces

to which belong

these scents

these fingers

these gestures

I forget

the eye colour

the height

and the way they laughed

what is left is just

an out-of-focus

black and white film

populated with

anonymous actors