if I stay

if I stay

will you not talk to me

for the first ten minutes

after we wake up

?

and will you

stay calm

when my face goes absent

and everything about me

gets so distant

?

if I stay

can we smoke at least

one cigarette

before we talk

about last night

?

if I stay

?...

(I close the door

quietly

- not to wake you up)

don't stop me

it’s like

running on the water

barely touching

the surface

don’t stop me

or I will drown

paradise lost

in my head

your face is blurred

as always

it’s not that

I don’t want

to remember

I do –

- but can’t

I put cucumber

on my eyelids

trying to preserve

the images of the day

I leave post it notes

on the lamp posts

when I walk home

I sing to myself

our conversations

and the lack of them

your name is the one

I write on the back

of the motel bible

together with Jesus

you stand for my sins

and oh Christ...
at the dawn

I still can’t recall

your faces

*** (let's just forget ourselves)

let’s just forget ourselves

you - me

and me – you

because there are

no words

to describe us

together

let’s forget ourselves

and get drunk

on our own

you

and I

at the Korsakoff’s place

where every empty bottle

stands for every empty promise

and every smoked cigarette

is an anaesthetic

let’s just forget our

past selves

and what we could have become

…

forgetting to forget

we start reading

thesaurus.

darling -

- pass me the light...

morning prayers

I wake up

and for a moment

don’t remember

how to breathe

if prayers

are nothing more

than talking to yourself

I start an argument

myself versus myself

it’s like a spark

it’s uncontrolled

it’s like fire

…

I pray

still breathless

preventing the explosion

…

good morning

*** (you wake me up)

you wake me up

in the middle of the night

and walk to the roof

we’ve never managed

to see the sunrise

but tonight

we are watching stars

and Mars

I let myself

get lost in time

and it’s easy to imagine

that this is our

last night on Earth

...

we go back to bed

just before the dawn

this way it’s easier

to pretend

that day

has never arrived

love songs

I listen to love songs

and try to remember

- anything

how easy

how hard

how much

…

it’s difficult to say

what exactly is missing

what has been taken away

bit by bit

by sharp teeth

by clawed fingers

drowned in saliva

sweated out in bed

…

I listen to love songs

and don’t remember

- anything

it’s easy

not hard at all

and not very much serious